The Rules
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain
my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the
middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim
for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find
that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not
a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the
object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster
than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.
I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue
sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs
and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they
sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular
to each other stretched out to the fullest extent
possible. I also know that sticking tails straight
out and having tongues hanging out the other end
to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from
the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there
and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary
to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get
your paw under the edge and try to pull the door
open. I must exit through the same door I entered.
Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -
canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other
dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following
message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain
About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't
want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours
and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs and cats are sometimes
better than kids ..they eat less, don't ask for money
all the time, are easier to train, usually come when
called, never drive your car, don't hang out with
drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry
about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear
your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars
for college - and if they get pregnant, you can sell
the children.
