The Dog Rules
1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog
stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment
named, for a very good reason, the dog house.
2. Okay, the dog can enter the house but only for
short visits or if his own house is under renovation.
3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent
basis provided his dog house can be sold in a yard
sale to a rookie dog owner.
4. Indise the house, the dog is not allowed to run
free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal
cage.
5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal
in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever he pleases.
6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.
7. Okay, the dog can get up on the old furniture
but not on the new.
8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture
until it looks like the old furniture and then we'll
sell the whole works and buy new furniture on which
the dog will most definitely not be allowed on.
9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.
10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed
only.
12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but
not with his head on your pillow.
13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, under
the covers with his head on your pillow, but if he
snores, he's got to leave the room.
14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares
in your bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the
couch in the TV room, where you're now sleeping. That's
just not fair.
15. The dog never
gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary resident," even
if it's true.
